Saturday, June 18, 2005


May 10?! My last entry here was over a month ago?? I'm sorry if you've checked here expecting to find something new during that time and I promise to try to do better. I've started to write entries a few times and then deleted them because they sounded too bleak. Honestly, things with the family have not been going well.

There will be a family reunion of the descendants of my mom's grandmother at the end of July, in Salt Lake City. This reunion happens every couple of years and Mother usually goes. It's her chance to catch up with her remaining cousins and to see my sister K and her family, who live in Utah and southern Idaho.

This year, my sister J is going with Mom for the first time. They're flying together from Arizona, where they both live. Also going to the reunion is my sister L, flying out from Michigan with her youngest daughter. This will also be their first year attending the reunion. So, yeah. There's going to be a big family reunion without me. Because I'd already planned a vacation up to Seattle earlier in July, and can't really take more time off than that, and because my sister L and I are still not speaking to each other after last year's blowout, I'll be staying home while they're having their reunion.

"Mixed" doesn't describe my feelings. On one hand, I know it would be a disaster for L and me to be together. I want to give up on our relationship because I can't see any way for it to be repaired. On the other hand, my family is having a reunion without me! This solidifies my feelings of being the outcast, the black sheep, the not-quite-a-member.

This is something that needs dealing with in my life. At 46, I believe it's time to once and for all relieve myself of the fantasy that our family can be whole, and healthy, and loving, and unconditionally supportive. That they can accept me just the way I am. Without expecting me to become Mormon again. Without judging my life and decisions against the Official Mormon Checklist of Acceptable Behavior. It just ain't gonna happen. The unfortunate thing about learning these lessons seems to be that they're never learned "once and for all."

My husband tells me, "Embrace your status as outcast!" It's true that the club isn't one I'd especially choose -- I would be the only non-Mormon at the reunion, for one thing.

I do have a deep hatred of Jello "salad." Maybe I can start by embracing that and work my way up.

[Heh. I just realized I've already blogged about the family reunion. Forgive me. We tend to repeat ourselves more as we get older. Also, an issue. Clearly.]

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